Halloween Halloween Funny Funny

I was having a dicussion with a friend of mine. We were talking about the show Orphan Black on BBC America. It’s this crazy sci-fi slash conspiracy programme about human clones. You see I own a clone t-shirt like the one in the picture. I bought it several years ago as a birthday present for myself. Because I am geeky like that and I enjoy that sort of human. I especially enjoy wearing that sort of humor upon my torso. It’s funnier when you wear your geeky humor upon your torso. Don’t believe me? Try it. You’ll see. It really works.

Did you catch that? I spelled program the British way since it’s a BBCA show. I’m not British. Normally I spell program the right way. But I spelled it the wrong way to sound more British.

It’s a pretty nifty tv show. The actress is pretty amazing. She’s playing like 10 different people and doing all these different voices and regional accents. I guess we’re supposed to think that Sarah is the original since she’s had a child and the other clones cannot. But really only one other clone has mentioned trying and having failed. So it’s probably a trick or something.

I’ve always wondered why since they cloned that Dolly Parton sheep they made the cloning of humans illegal. I don’t get it because people have been cloning themselves for centuries. Isn’t that what having children is really all about. People make babies and then they brainwash, erm, raise them to think and act exactly as they do. If that isn’t human cloning then I don’t know what is.

The military is an interesting career choice. I thought about it when I was younger. I t’s a noble profession. Dangerous and scary, but admirable. It’s interesting how it seeps into every day civilian life. Camouflage is a pretty common fashion choice. Not just amongst hunters. Everyone wears it. There’s not trying to belnd into the environment. Quite to the contrary. They’re trying to stand out. I can’t think of a more wonderful irony than that. Camouflage to stand out. Beautiful! The fashion worlds fascination with military camouflage is easy to understand. It’s a unique and interesting pattern that has countless variations. Starting with camo as your base point, you’ll never run out of interesting and fun iterations. Camouflage is the holy grail of fashion. It’s a bottomless well of colors and patterns. They never get old because they are always evolving.

It works as well for men as it does for women. It transcends age and ethnicity. It truly is the universal fashion choice beloved by all.

It never goes out of style. It’s been around for so long and shows no signs of losing its cache.

I fully expect to see camouflage ball gowns and cocktail dresses at the next series of Hollywood events.

The dead dream as well. In different colors. Same pages. Ugly gods wearing their torn dresses. Dance to music no one else can hear. It’s just the world. Telling us in numbers. And broken songs.

I used to wear a t-shirt that had a little pile of shit on it. It’s true. It was real. Eat Shit and Die it read. There was a dead fly atop the pile of shit. The world today reminds me of that t-shirt. It was so strange way back then. Reagan Era. 10 percent interest. Just say no. Jobs. Prosepcts. Hope.

Ronaald Reagan was a terrible president. What evil did they do to weave such a magical economy? I’ll never know. But I know it had to have been pretty bad to have such beautiful results.

Part of it is just the life cycle. The economy is a living organism. You cannot make a dog grow when it is already old. You are not a genius when you feed a pup and it does enlarge. You’re simply manipulating the circumstances. Isn’t that what people do. The smart ones anyway.

Bill Clinton was a great president. He was exactly the same as Reagan. He did terrible things to the world to benefit the American people. He just did it more quietly.

Clinton’s economy was strong as well. Be it by design or happenstance or some muddled combination of the two. There must be some science to it. Or else we are all just helpless fucks. Empty plastic bags twisting in a thoughtless wind.

Politics is a very old concept. The Roman Empire made history with it. It didn’t work out so well for them either.

The world is full of so many wonderous and colorful things. Loud and sharp and bright and dark things. Quiet and soft and muddy and hot things. Such is the nature of life. Sensations and feelings and various other sensory invasions. We are pin cushions at the mercy of the world which we inhabit. It’s constantly sticking us with various stimuli. And the truth is, we love it. We are ravenous for it.

I’ve been many things in life. As have we all. I’ve been a winner and a loser. A lover and an hater. An ally and an enemy. I’ve been the joke and the punchline and the comedian and the audience. We are everything and nothing. We are all there is and we are all there isn’t. We are the needle at the eye of the storm pushing and pulling our thread through the chaos. Hoping to close the gap and to widen it.

Some of us have gods and other don’t. Some of us are free and others are imprisoned. It’s the will of the universe. There has to be balance. The yin and the yang are insperable.

It’s the ability of humanity to go to extremes that has made us strong. We don’t sleep. We dream. We don’t fuck. We erupt. We don’t love. We steal  pieces of heaven.

I’ve always found this cliche to be one of the more puzzling ones. Why would the pot ever call the kettle black? Pots don’t even talk in the first place. And pots most certainly do not listen. So who would that ever happen. And even if the pot could tak, the kettle could not hear it and therefore would not be insulted. And even if the kettle could hear the pot calling it black why would that be a bad thing anyway. There’s nothing wrong with being black or being called black. Black is a fine way to be.

I mean are pots and kettles sworn enemies? What’s the deal there? Why is there so much animosity in the frist place. I need some back story and and some context to fully understand the scope of the problem.

What if the pot was red. Would the kettle call it that. And if so, would the red pot be offended.

Or are only black pots so sensitive about their hue.

I’m just trying to understand.

i was thinking about sex. how seldom i actually have it. was thinking about the big bang theory and amy farrah fowler and her electric toothbrush. and sheldon cooper and his aversion to touch. sheldon cooper has a girlfriend. has had one for quite sometimes. howard wolowicz has a wife. howard wolowicz has sex. poor raj. he still ain’t getting any.

was thinking about masturbation and the use of sex toys in that process. i’ve tried some. there are good and bad. all kinds. really depends on the person. what’s great for one isn’t for another and vice versa. guess that explains why there are so very many varieties.

have always wondered what really powers people’s sex drive. on an individual level. i would love to study that. because i’m sure the reasons are quite diverse. for one guy it could be pure pleasure. explosive orgams. for someone else it can be almost exclusively reproductive. the quest for immortality.

people are funny, in that they actually believe themselves to be superior to the other animals of Earth. Yet they do all the same things and persue all the same ends. They eat, sleep, fuck, shit. They procreate and kill and are killed. How exactly are we different from the cockroarch or the springbok? we have art i suppose. except we really don’t so much anymore.

Do you ever consider alternative Halloween costumes when deciding or planning your outfit? Sometimes the perfect costume is right under our noses and we don’t even know it. If you’re like me, then you’ve raided your own closet as well as those of friends and relatively on the morning of Halloween desperately searching for some otherwise mundane pieces of clothing, which when combined magically morph into a smashing Halloween costume. It’s difficult, but not impossible.

Take for example, the ever popular hobo. Dad’s ratty overalls, grandma’s kerchief, brother’s flannel shirt, your own already dirty face. Voila! Bottle of wine sold separately.

If you’re a military person or an enthusiast or someone with relatives who are enlisted. If you’re a hunter or know somebody who is. There are other instant costume possibilities.

Elmer Fudd would be a really great one.

But combat personnel or soldier would also be an awesome choice that’s easy to spontaneously construct at the very last minute. You just need to find camouflage or olive drab or one of those great army logo t-shirts. A good rule of thumb is to mix and match. Camo pants with olive drab shirt. Or olive drab pants with grey army logo tee. You get the idea. Simple, yet highly effective. Then you just add some big boots and a toy gun and you’re all set.

Of course this idea can be further elaborated to emcompass other military branches or service type professionals. You could use a red Marines logo t-shirt for instance and pair that with black fatigue pants and a boonie hat in city camouflage. Or you could get an NYPD shirt and an officers cap.

Any military themed costume is bound to be great no matter how you whip it together.

It’s a new year and a new era in the life cycle that is popular humor. No longer will guy walks into a bar jokes be tolerated by the disparate masses. Rabbis and priests are forbidden from appearing simultaneously in the same joke. It’s true! I swear. They passed a law. Congress struggled and wrestled over it for months. It will heretofore for all of history be known as the great lame joke debate.

It is a defining moment in the evolution of our society. It’s the kind of thing that shapes empires and topples warriors. It’s the sort of epic battle that determines who gets to rule the free world and who is just a minion trapped in its perilous web of deceit. That’s what I’m talking bout folks. Real meaning. Real impact. Not some flu shot with a side of pall malls. Leave that shit for grandma. We’re talking syphilis and stale jack daniels. That’s the stuff.

When you look back at what shaped our world as a whole you’ll understand. You’ll believe. You’ll know with unwaivering certainty that a new world order has begun and that it’s name is the v-neck t-shirt and it is good.

Christmastime is upon us and I for one look forward to receiving all the thoughtful gifts and to giving all the ones I’ve worked so hard to find. I am a firm believer in novelty gifts like funny t-shirts and that sort of thing. They make the perfect present when you don’t really know what someone might need. You can tailor them to the individual since there are so many themes available. It’s almost like a customized gift.

I love receiving them too because they are both amusing and practical. They are the fun that you can also wear. They’re amazing multi-tasking comedy wonders. If America is remembered for nothing else after its demise I hope it will be remembered for giving the world funny t-shirts and diet pepsi. Because those two things are our greatest contribution to society.

30 or 40 years from now, when we’re all dead from some global catastrophe I hope that the aliens that pick through our ruins find some of our funny t-shirts and that there world might be enhanced by the magical ways of our sarcasm and our strange need to wear it across our chests.

It’s almost as if we’re looking for approval or to start a controversy. But that can’t be right. Why would anyone want to do that? I guess we just like the way that Tee shape cradles our bosom and how the rubberized graphics provide a slimming silhouette.

If you’ve ever been in the military then you’ll understand what I’m feeling. I miss the lifestyle. The certainty. Civilian life is disorienting.

Everyday millions of Americans either join or leave the armed forces. It’s not a big deal, but it is. Where do we go from here? What’s the plan? How do we execute it if in fact it even exists?

Everyones is always thank you for your service, but like so many greeting cards recipients, we are quickly forgotten. Afterthoughts in otherwise hectic lives.

I was googling for military surplus stores, hoping to find somewhere I might fit in. Honest work. Honest pay. People I can relate to. It’s confusing and disorienting. I guess I shoudl be more resourceful and I want to be, but don’t know how.

there aren’t a lot of jobs. there are even less jobs for minumim wage workers. i was supposed to leave with skills and prospects. instead i left with nightmares. i’m trying. i really am. trying is very tiring. especially when you’re doing it all alone.

people put flags on their antennas and magnets on their trunks and think they’ve done their part. if only that were enough.